Me: So Mr. Vampire-
Vampire: Please, call me Phil.
Me: Alright Phil. So it turns out you’re a little peeved about coming in last place in our “What Do You Find Most Terrifying” poll. Is that right?
Phil: You know, Zombies I can understand. Even I think they’re freaky. But Julia Roberts? Really?
Me: So why do you think people are no longer taking you seriously? I mean you made a deal with the devil, command legions of ravenous wolves, stalk young women, drink your victim’s blood, occasionally turning them into undead concubines. What gives?
Phil: You know, the sad truth is it takes a thousand years to build an evil reputation and a day to tear it down. I hold Stephanie Meyer personally responsible for the domestication of the vampire. She has single-handedly pussified a once formidable monster. The truth is, any respectable vampire would have silenced Bella’s incessant whining before she could stutter the word “soul mate”. I don’t care how delightful she smells- real vampires are less inclined to flirt and more inclined to revel in the torment and eventual demise of his blood-drained victim!
Me: Beautifully put Phil. You seem to feel strongly about this.
Phil: Oh, you don’t even know. Since that book of lies emerged my phone’s been ringing off the hook- people inviting me to midday luncheons, baby-showers, golf-tournaments-
Me: So you feel you’ve kind of lost your edge?
Phil: Even Renfield’s been on my case- wants to see me “sparkle” in the sunlight. Its like a bowie knife right through my heart. Just because Edward doesn’t turn to dust…
Me: Do you need a moment?
Phil: Sorry. Its just that sometimes I feel like disappearing back into the Carpathian Mountains, you know? I might lay low for a while, feast on some local wenches. Maybe give Julia Roberts a call.
Me: There’s no shame in taking some time for Phil. If it helps I can leak to the media that you rabies. That might scare people.
Phil: Its not that I don’t appreciate the offer, but there’s only one way to make things right again.
Me: And what’s that? Phil? Phil? What the- NOOOOOOOOOO!
Sorry about all the monster-themed posts. Things have been a little slow around here.
Did Phil end up biting you, because I think that is scary?!?!? Speaking of biting… I saved a kitten from the parking lot at Subway yesterday. I have decided to keep her and name her Chloe. I’ll put a picture on my blogg. She is black & white… exactly when did Phil leave? You don’t think Phil has taken the form of a small cat who loves to snuggle my neck and bite my fingers…do you?!?!? (Phil could be short for “Phil-limina…right?)
Does Phil speak with a Texan accent and haunt daytime television with his own talkshow, doling out advice to other dysfunctionals that ought not be let into the light of day?
I would be scared of the likes of Phil, simply because you never know where those fangs have been! Say you survive the bloodletting… Then you have to make sure you have your hepatitis C and tetnus shots, yadda yadda. And if it’s been sucking on some AIDS victim’s neck, OR WORSE Hep B? You’re a goner! Yucky!
Diana, simply put, vampires have become somewhat cool. But the mystery is fading. It’s sort of like when indie music from the 80s went mainstream in the 90s: it lost it’s charm (and quality). “Alternative” soon became “alternative to what?” When everybody’s doing it, it becomes insufferably lame.
There’s a website called vampirefreaks.com where you can buy fangs, listen to music, etc. etc. It’s pretty silly, but I don’t recommend a visit if you don’t want to be offended.
…I’m sure Andy would want to beat me up if he knew that I’ve been to such a site.
Phil would probably do well to lay low in the Carpathian Mountains for a while. Then, maybe vampyres will regain their mystique.
You can thank Anne Rice (major perv) and Stephanie Myers (minor perv) for ruining the reputations of the likes of our friend Phil.
LOL Wayne- love the new avatar!