Monster Safety 101

Andy is in Seattle this week for a Marketing Conference he’s been attending for the last three years. And I’m happy for him, I really am. He gets to stay in an awesome hotel, eat out every meal, and take a break from his usual responsibilities. I’m really happy for him. Super happy. My only complaint is that without him here to protect us, there is a chance the children and I will be attacked, maybe transformed, possibly eaten by monsters while we sleep, but I guess that’s a chance he is willing to take. I mean it IS Seattle we’re talking about.

It isn’t that I mind being alone once in a while. I can read, or watch a movie of my own choosing, or get started on the self-help book I’m destined to write. I don’t mind being alone… that is, until the sun goes down. Because regardless of being a formidable twenty-six-year-old woman I am still afraid of the dark- After all, I’m no fool. I know as well as any four-year-old does that when the last purple rays of sun fade into the horizon that’s when we’re all most vulnerable to spiders, vampires, zombies, sharks, Voldemort, and various other foul monstrosities on the prowl.

Don’t worry about me though, I’ll *probably* be alright. I’ve done extensive research into monster-safety and am implementing new defense tactics starting tonight:

1. Never hum, whistle, or sing to yourself while locking up the house.
This is just asking for a monster to eat your face. (check)

2. Remove your Welcome mat- a friend once pointed out to me that vampires could misinterpret this as an invitation to enter your house and corrupt your immortal soul while you sleep. (check)

3. Keep a crossbow, canned goods , and book of Gary Larson cartoons under your bed in case of zombie apocalypse. (check)

4. Hang a framed portrait of Chuck Norris above your bed. (check)

5. Fact- Monster fangs cannot penetrate your favorite blanket.
Just as a precaution, you would be well advised to sleep fully submerged in you covers. (check)

6. Say prayers kneeling on top of the bed. You never know what could be lurking under there, waiting for the opportune moment to snatch you. (check)

I hope this works or wont Andy feel foolish coming home to house full of zombies?

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