Legolas vs. Spiderman

Humor me. Today is a day like any other. You wake up before you’re ready, you spend time looking for a pair of matching socks. Regardless of whether you’re on time or not you find yourself rushing from chapter one to chapter twelve, with very little time for reflection. Little do you know today could be your last. Little can you see the monster waiting around the corner, lurking in the alleyway just beyond those suspicious looking trees. But he sees you. You routinely check your watch, lists playing in your head when suddenly he has you twenty feet in the air ready to make a meal of you. Your options are limited, your prospects very dim. Who will save you? Legolas or Spiderman?

When Legolas saves you he makes it look easy, gracefully scaling the monster and unleashing a series of arrows which cleanly severs its foul head. He then performs a triple elf spin through the air landing flawlessly, flashes you a grin like he has a secret, and flips his luxurious golden locks back before disappearing in some nearby shrubbery. Impressive.
When Spiderman saves you he does it with flare. Just as the monster releases you and you find yourself plummeting towards his gaping jaws, in swoops Spiderman! He makes a moderately clever pun as you fly through the air and deposits you safely miles from the monster. But before he jettisons his web back to finish the fight, he looks at you expectantly with his over sized black eyes and you realize he wants a kiss. “Listen,” you tell him kindly but firmly, “I’m grateful you saved my hide and all, but-” and you try to explain how you don’t like him that way, and that you had onion rings for lunch. But then, you see the disappointment behind his little red mask, and after all it isn’t everyday you get saved by Spiderman you justify as you lay one on him.
But in reality that isn’t what happens. As you hang suspended twenty feet in the air, watching your life rewind inside your head, wishing you had spent less time looking for socks and more time playing Wii with your family and neighbors- As you feel the blood rushing to your head and all you can think about is how you should have paid more attention to where you were going, everything suddenly goes black. And as you slowly open your eyes you realize you aren’t dead. You are in a Bat Cave. Bat Man saved you. And even though you find him a little odd and uncommunicative at first, you realize he’s just an introvert and that’s okay, because in retrospect you wouldn’t want anyone else saving your hide.

10 COMMENTS
  1. YES!!! I voted for Batman…um because there was no catwoman on the list.

    BTW, the new Dark Knight movie rules earth and sky!

    todd jensen 16 years ago Reply
  2. I would probably have preferred Batman, but now that you explain it in more detail, I do believe that the swift kill of the arrows and the toss of the blonde hair is very appealing. But, I think I shoud get to kiss Legolas. Oh, I know, he’s a stand-offish Elf and all, but one has to give proper thanks, doesn’t one?
    And I do think I’d prefer a green and verdant forest dotted with elegant Elvish abodes than an old, dark batcave.
    However, I do like the moody, quiet type.
    Hmmm, I think I’ll risk being devoured twice just to see who I like better.

    Mom 16 years ago Reply
  3. Gotta love the guano…

    I like Batman and all, but I prefer the batsuit that doesn’t have the overly perky rubber nipples that seemed to dominate the wardrobe of the Tim Burton movies.

    Shanana 16 years ago Reply
  4. I’m pretty sure I could save myself, thank you very much.

    Erika W 16 years ago Reply
  5. LOL! Moody Introverts: 1

    Annoying Extroverts: 0

    What’s the deal with Spider Man always expecting something in return?

    And Legolas? Don’t EVEN get me started on that smug, elitist elf.

    And Mom? *shudder*

    Wayneman 16 years ago Reply
  6. BTW Di, A little late I guess, but I LOVE Goth Confessions 10 1/2.

    Wayneman 16 years ago Reply
  7. yes, the goth confessions are great. i laugh every time because it makes me feel cool. like wayne.

    lol. i think i voted for superman. don’t know why considering i’m afraid of heights and driving over coronado bridge freaked me out the other day…doubt i’d like flying through the air at high speeds and to boot i hate snow and so whisking me off to some ice crystal cavern would not be good. obviously the bright flashy costume and perfect hair thwarted my judgement on who should save me. i probably could have talked my way of the monsters’ clutches because as you know i haven’t learned how to sum things up and babble and would probably annoy them so much they’d release me cheerfully or an evil kackle knowing that some poor unsuspecting vilian waiting around the corner would be torched by my merciless banter and that’s priceless.

    Annalisa 16 years ago Reply
  8. lol. i just heard the phrase “fiddle farting with the phone” i thought the phrase “fiddle farting” would be something Legolas would say? or maybe something Wayne would say about Legolas. LOL.

    Annalisa 16 years ago Reply
  9. LOL! Anna you crack me up 🙂

    Thanks Wayne for your Goth Confessions compliments. You are my inspiration.

    Di 16 years ago Reply
  10. Legolas or Spiderman? Who do you think you’re talking too?! Am I right, Andy?

    Kelly 16 years ago Reply

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