Bruce Willis, The Swayze, and Me.

I was initially skeptical of Face Book. Odd that those same people who seemed previously oblivious to my existance should be sending me “friend” requests so late in the game.

“Wow.” Says I, “I really misjudged these people and their feelings for me.” No I did not, I realized the moment I spotted the “friend” tally under my profile picture. There is it. I am a number to them just as surely as I was another awkward photo in the year book to sign;

“I don’t know you very well but NEVER CHANGE!”

And I’m really not bitter or anything. Its just funny. You know, the only people who never change are the dead. Which made me start to wonder- is it possible that I have been dead all this time and I simply did not know it? Of course, I had just finished watching The Sixth Sense, but it was something worth looking into. It would explain a lot. Like why I always have the same outfit on with or without a coat. And why no one laughs at my jokes. And why people are always bumping into me without appologizing. I decided to do a little experimenting.

Instead of assuming that people were ignoring me because I was quiet, I began commenting. I shared my thoughts, I even left messages on a “friend’s” face book wall. Things like, “hey remember when you dumped me without telling me LOL!” and “nice profile pic- this one makes you look less like Willem Defoe.” and “Big Gulps huh?”

No response.

I stood in the middle of a crowded grocery store and no one made eye contact. I tried giving advice that went completely unheeded. I wrote a story that nobody would read. I faded into the park bench and no one said a word. Given my hypothesis you can imagine my distress. Dead all this time, and I’m wasting my time on Face Book?