101 Ways I Probably Offended You.


1. I ignored you for ten years. What? I still like you. I just don’t think about you, that’s all.

2. You started discussing things I couldn’t fake caring about.

3. You felt our friendship was strong enough to reach over and take a bite of my cheesecake without consent and found it was not.

4. I questioned your abrupt switch to alternative to country music. 

5. You discovered I thoroughly enjoy murder-themed TV series.

6. You discovered I do not enjoy most chick flicks. Probably because they contain very little murder.

7. I off-handedly began an in-depth discussion of a book you’ve never read.

8. You mistook my self-deprecating humor for low self-esteem and when you tried to comfort me I looked at you weird.

9. You mistook my impulsive hair dying as an indication of my “liberal” political views.

10. I got a judgy look in my eye when you admitted to knowing your high school song. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. What a fun sexy time for you.

11. I didn’t acknowledge you at the gym. In my defense, I can’t see you at the gym. No glasses yo.

12. I posted about not trusting people who have no eyebrows. (I was kidding.)

13. I posted about how much I dislike crafting. (I was not kidding.)

14. I did not return your phone calls.

15. I did not return your text messages.

16. I remained motionless when you looked through the window, hoping that- like a T-Rex- your ability to see is contingent on movement.

17. I admitted to feeling nothing for the TV show “Friends”.

18. When we were kids, I hit you on top of the head with a pool noodle for absolutely no reason. It was offensive and I’m sorry.

19. I said the Utah Jazz are hideous freaks. I’m not sorry. Its a fact.

20. I quoted a movie line that you didn’t know was a movie line and made you uncomfortable. “I hate all the orphans in the whole world!”

21. You asked me what my book was about and I answered, “Your mom.”

22. I called you by your daughter’s name, just like I always do. Hi Kim!

23. You were soliciting door to door and I didn’t give you chance to give your sales pitch. “nothankyouwe’renotinterested!”

24. I got a judgy look in my eye when you mentioned you were an Eagle Scout because, neckerchiefs. 

25. I heartily disagreed with you when you said leggings were the devil’s pant.

26. You didn’t take my laughing at you when you tripped as the expression of friendship I intended it to be. What? I trip. You trip. SAME!

27. I expressed my feelings that a well-placed swear word is hilarious.

28. And then I told my kids to stop being dicks.

29. When we were kids you said I was your best friend and gave me a slap bracelet as a token of our friendship- only to demand I return it a week later so you could give it to your cooler, new best friend and so I did. After snapping it in half so it could never slap again.

30. I was an overly aggressive tether-baller. Sorry about your face.

31. I found humor in your food allergy.

32. I found humor in the way you think your pet is a person.

33. I demonized tow truck drivers.

34. I demonized Canadians.

35. I demonized anyone who disagrees that Will Ferrel is the funniest human of all the humans.

36. I clapped when they announced free tampons at my daughter’s maturation clinic. That was immature. I apologize.

37. I called your husband a big nerd. I meant it as a compliment. I love nerds.

38. I forgot that you’re accustomed to people caring that you’re super cool and popular and stuff.

39. I talked and talked about my children because I’m a stay-at-home mom and that’s basically all I have to talk about.

40. I played the “eccentric” card to excuse my cat’s misanthropic behavior.

41. I forced your little white dog off my lap when you weren’t looking because she was invading my personal space. Also she smelled. Also I dislike your little white dog.

42. I worked at Subway, I put three tomatoes on a sandwich instead of two and when you expressed your hearty disapproval of my rogue sandwich-artistry I took off my apron and walked out because, $6.50 an hour.

43. I smiled and nodded as my three year old screamed like a Nazgul straight from the black gates of hell while I pregnant- grocery shopped for Ding Dongs.

44. I questioned the validity of John Legends “All of You” after hearing his wife speak in public.

45. I pointed out all the reasons you shouldn’t worry without realizing that you were really enjoying yourself.

46. You asked me if I would like to join the PTA and I laughed because I thought you were making a hilarious joke and I didn’t want you to feel bad.

47. You asked if I wanted to go to an HOA meeting and I laughed because I thought you were making another hilarious joke. You freaking comedian!

48. You encouraged me to read Nicholas Sparks and then invited me to discuss it in book club with other women. I don’t like Nicholas Sparks.

49. You wanted me to validate your strong opinions about social media, soap and/or other such topics I do not feel warrant a strong opinion.

50. I shared my strong opinion about the subsequent transformer movies.

51. And then shared my strong opinions about toe socks.

52. I pointed out you maybe shouldn’t compare everything you don’t like to Hitler.

53. You noticed the pew I generally occupy at church and its proximity to people I most often associate with.

54. You worried God would be displeased with my worshipping Him in this cliquish seating arrangement and went to the bishop with your concerns. Then I lost my crap on Face Book because, Whaaaaaat? But its OK. Thanks for your concern about my salvation and stuff.

55. I made a point to wave to you not because I’m particularly friendly, but because I am amused by your refusal to wave back. Your resistance to social niceties fascinates and draws me. Like a moth to flame.

56. I remind you of your cousin. You hate your cousin.

57. I avoid eye contact and stay silent every time you mention that your son has perfect pitch. I don’t think that word means what you think it means.

58. You tried to boss me and I was like, “nope” and moonwalked out of the room.

59. You said, “I love you.” And I said, “Are you sure? ‘Cause… Okay. And I. You. As well.”

60. We played “Settlers of Catan” and I tried to cheat.

61. We played “Risk” and I tried to cheat.

62. We played “Monopoly” and I tried to cheat.

63. We played any game ever and I tried to cheat.

64. You were the recipient of one of my break-up letters: Dear___, Peace Out. Love, Di

65. I began a sentence with “I’m actually from California” for the four-hundred-and-sixty-fifth time.

66. I tried to borrow your shorts in high school and you said no but I said I was going to anyway and then we punched each other.

67. You were going to name your child Roxy but then I got a puppy and named her Roxy instead and then gave Roxy away nine months later because Roxy was a real douche. Dick move.

68. I made you be the witch because you had brown hair and I was blonde. I’m sorry. I didn’t make the rules, I just abide by them.

69. I mocked you for being a grown-arse man who sleeps with a blanky. You deserved it.

70. I mocked you for being an intelligent human being who likes the movie “Armageddon”. You deserved it.

71. Believing whole-heartedly that the pen is mightier than the sword, I attempted to fix our relationship with an honest and lovingly-written email. Turns out that pen thing is bull crap.

72. I inadvertently introduced your child to the term “Sick SOB” via Shanghai Noon. My bad.

73. I started acknowledging your birthday only after you joined Face Book.

74. I laughed really hard at the Farmer’s Only commercial.

75. I didn’t laugh at all when you showed me an episode of “Two and a Half Men”.

76. You tried making small talk with me and I excused myself to spit out my gum and didn’t return. Not because I don’t like you, but because I don’t like talking to you.

77. I told you frankly that you sometimes you ARE a jerk but I love you anyway. It was the most genuine compliment I’ve ever given anyone.

78. I told you “You look really normal!” in an attempt to make you feel better about yourself.

79. I pointed out that your kid strongly resembles Bill Murray.

80. I chuckled when you told me your brother died- not because I thought it was funny- but because I was trying to play off the fact that I couldn’t actually hear you. “Ha-ha, yeah.”

81. You broke into my house and decorated my room in police tape “I’m dying to go to the dance with you” and I responded by never talking to you again.

82. You called me at 8am the morning after our first date to play me the on-air convo you had about how I did not kiss you. And I responded by never talking to you again.

83. You asked me to go on a night-hike with you and I brought my roommate just in case you were planning to night-hike kill me.

84. You asked me on a date to the dollar movies and I foolishly assumed you were paying because, dollar movies.

85. I worked as a teller and asked for your I.D. Like a jerk.

86. I worked as a teller and posted “This is the second worst person in Utah” to your account. That was wrong. But fair.

87. I suggested that adults should never refer to other adults as “cliquish” because, who effing cares?

88. I misinterpreted your eyes screaming “Leave me alone!” as a sign you needed your personal space.

89. I suggested that creative writing, painting, and landscape design are as worthwhile talents as sewing, canning, and thinking you’re more righteous than everyone because you’ve never worn a bikini.

90. I admitted to having an aversion to the song “Bye Bye Miss American Pie” or whatever that hippy nonsense is called.

91. Instead of reassuring you of your sanity, I validated your insanity and then awkward-hugged you in my sweaty gym clothes in a gesture of solidarity.

92. In a bout of political incorrectness, I loudly accused myself of being retarded- not because I disregard the truly handicapped but because I grew up in the eighties-nineties and that was the adjective most used to describe all the nouns. Old habits. Super sorry.

93. The boy that you liked in high school, liked me. Probably because I didn’t like him until he liked me at which point he stopped liking me and made out with you and I stopped liking anyone and went back to drawing dragons.

94. You ran into me unexpectedly at Target and I stammered in greeting, “Ho, (insert daughter’s name here)! You? I shop. I shop. Ha-ha! K. Bye You Later Too!” and hurried down the pillow isle. Not because I don’t like you, but because I don’t like talking to you.

95. I walked to the beat of my own drum and the drum is the devil’s instrument.

96. I declined participation in the Relief Society Secret Sister Gift Exchange because ultimately the greatest gift I can give to others and to myself is the gift of time not spent participating in Relief Society Secret Sister Gift Exchanges.

97. I didn’t divulge my feelings and problems to you so you assumed I didn’t have any. Huzzah for me!

98. I divulged my feelings and problems to you and you stopped talking to me. Huzzah for you!

99. I ate all the chips.

100. I friendly-honked behind you in the school pick-up line in an attempt to make you aware of the fifty feet of uninterrupted space before you. Your face did not appear appreciative as you flipped me off.

101. I tried to be myself. It did not go well.