Yes, I enjoyed watching the Olympics. I won’t claim to be hardcore about them, because I’m not really hardcore about anything athletic. Probably because I’m not very athletic myself. And by “not very athletic” I mean “The frequency in which I run into stationary objects is alarming.” Obviously I am impressed when Chinese girls half my size flip, and fling, and fly from stuff. And don’t even get me started on the fish-people. Its incredible to watch those crazy athletic freaks. And I mean that in a good way. No sour grapes here. So what if I will never be best at anything ever? That’s okay! And here are my top ten reasons why:
1. I have better things to do. Take Blogging, for example. I can’t even count the number of lives I touch with my inane ponderings. At least eight to ten. And I’m willing to wager half those so-called Olympians don’t even know what it means to inanely ponder!
2. I choose to live a more balanced life. Because I don’t JUST blog you know. I do lots of important stuff. Like sort socks, and make delicious treats using marshmallows, and analyze Harry Potter books, and make up pretend superhero scenarios. Sure I could win gold medals if maybe I focused on one of those things, but life isn’t about gold medals. Its about making delicious treats using marshmallows.
3. I’m not selfish.
4. I don’t test well. Even if I am extremely knowledgeable or skilled in a certain area, I definitely don’t do well under pressure. So, maybe I am an awesome volleyball player- you’ll never know I guess. You’ll just have to take my word for it. I am by the way.
5. I don’t believe competition is healthy. You know those poor Olympian kids have a totally skewed outlook. Imagine peeking at sixteen. Ten years later, they’re still trying to play the “Olympic Medal” card. “These coupons have expired?! Do you know who I AM???” Twenty years later they’re still wearing their medal to the post office, making small talk about how they’d give anything to go back to ’08. “How’da like to bet I could hurdle myself over them mountains?”
6. The outfits look uncomfortable. I get it, you can move more freely when your underwear rides up your backside and absolutely nothing is left to the imagination. Fine. Just don’t come crying to me when the entire world knows you stuff your cup.
7. I’m not much of a diplomat. Judging from how many of my fellow Americans I inadvertently offend on a regular basis, I can only imagine the effect I could have on a world-level. There would be war. Oh yes, there would be war.
8. The camera makes me look pale and bloated. All I am saying is, the lighting had better be fantastic or I would be super pissed.
9. Russians are sneaky.
10. I’m not special. Nope, not even a little bit. Guess Momma was wrong. Sorry Momma. Baby aint bringing home no gold.
Ten Reasons Why I Will Never Be An Olympic Champion
27 COMMENTS
At least your talent lies with marshmallows and not jello. You have classier mormon sensibilities than most in Utah.
As always, another hilarious post, Di. And Russians ARE sneaky little punks. But don’t even get me started on the genetically engineered freaks of nature they produce in China! Can anyone say Yao Ming?
Funny stuff! Count me as one touched by your inane ponderings. Although I wouldn’t be just touched, but genuinely moved, if you and Andy shared some of those marshmallow treats I hear rumor of. If they do indeed exist… I go over there on occasion and have yet to see, and/or smell, said treats using marshmallows.
No marshmallow smells? Well, Diana did say “inane ponderings.” They don’t have to be true if they’re inane do they?
BTW Di, welcome to the wonderful, liberating world of not-special.
…and the reason we are not special is because everyone is.
Special like my friend Casey.
And you got me there Todd, I rarely make marshmallow treats, although I am craving them at the moment. I simply could not think of very many interesting things that actually occupy my time… so I lied. Only I like to call it “creative writing”. Its how I passed every class in high school except math and PE.
Does that make me a bad person? Because now I feel guilty.
Dang my marshmallow lies!
It all starts with innocent marshmallow lies…
by ‘it’ I mean really horrible, inane things. It’s a slippery slope.
and yes, Casey is a special sort.
Diana, you are as witty as you are physically inept, and that’s saying something about your hilarious writing style. Because you are way WAY athletically challenged! It’s not a bad thing. Think of Bill Gates. I’m sure he’s run into his fair share of badminton nets in his lifetime and he’s doing all right.
Thanks Erika. I feel loads better. Because nobody is more personable or well-liked than Bill Gates.
OK, so Bill’s personality may be a bit lacking along with his athleticism. But look at all the $$$ he’s got in the bank. I’m just saying, you don’t have to be Michael Phelps to be successful in this world. I’m living proof of that. I can hardly put one foot in front of the other (in fact, I tripped 3 times yesterday – pretty hard core trips, too – just walking in and out of my garage). And look at all I have going for me. Tomorrow I plan to put laundry away. That’s about it.
Still, you really are very funny. I love to read your blog!
Oh, and Jason says to tell Andy that the boy scouts love their new shirt design.
You may not be gold medal material, but you are at least 3% more specialer than me.
BTW I love your baby counter.
Imagine peeking at 16? I think peeking is very common at 16. Some kids even peek at 3,4! They peek at Santa, at birthday presents, the grown-ups talking, etc. I don’t want to discuss what they could be peeking at at 16! But surely people will peek at them wearing their Olympic Medals around their necks. I know I would.
And, Honey, your blog is NOT insane! Its very funny and perfectly understandable! I LOVE it!
You are a good basketball player, and a good, REALLY good dancer! You all should see her dance if you haven’t had the privilege. Or, just ask Andy about it. He knows, oh yes, he knows.
So, I say,”Gold, Shmold!” You are so special! And Wayne is too! (Angie and Gina know they are, I think.) YOu don’t need to bring home anything. You ARE the GOLD!
(But you are correct about not being a diplomat.)
There it is.
Wow. I AM special in so many different ways. I stand corrected.
PEAK.
“INANE”, Mom.
She said “inane” ponderings,not “insane” ponderings.
You’ll find such at http://www.waynesworld-wayneman.blogspot.com. *shameless plug*
… And Diana, I HATE to be the great counterweight, but you’re not very special (you may have to esplain my sense of humor, or lack thereof, to your friends).
Pick your poison: SPECIAL, where you hold illusions of grandeur that ultimately disappoint and paralyze you for fear of failure, or NOT-SPECIAL, where the truth does indeed set you free.
“It’s time the tale were told, when you took a child and you made him old…”
I love this song, Di.
The Smiths were definitely special.
Absolutely agree Brother.
And I am very comfortable and happy in my non-specialness.
Hmmm…I think I grew up being envious of the Olympian kids…but I agree with you now! They really do have a skewed perspective and I am sure the ‘afterlife’ is a little rough. I still enjoy being awed by them though. I think I must have a sheltered friendship with you because I think you would make a great diplomat! I think you are tactful and good at social relations…so you can add that to your special qualities. I am sending you a link that perfectly depicts how uncomfortable to watch those ‘outfits’ can be! Enjoy! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EO_BnsrWMnI
Oh yeah, inane.
I LOVE IT!!!! Who needs any other form of entertainment…just log-on to our fam web sites and “Let the fun Begin!”
PS We are “special”, and a bit “insane” and have alot of “inane” musings…Yea for us!!!
OH MY GOSH! Gina, you MUST change your avatar!
I think you should just use your cimmanim rolls as your avatar. That way, the family will have warm, ooey gooey feelings of nostalgia and everyone unfamiliar with the cimmanimmmy delicousness will think it’s a picture of poopy (Not that it looks like poop in real life, but you have to admit it doesn’t photograph well!)
And please, Gina no comments on my blog until your avatar is changed!!!
haven’t you ever seen the picture “i’m so crafty, i make babies” so good luck keeping that secret.
and look for me in 2012 in England…doing the 1500m dash…i’ll probably be the only one not doping.
indeed you are very clever and special, now we just need to find you a good challenge so that you feel like you’ve accomplished something recognizable in today’s standardized world of crazies.
smiles!!