A wise man once said, “A trip to the post office will likely result in an unsavory demise.” An even wiser wise man added, “Plus its inconvenient and is lame and sucks.” You can’t argue with that logic. That’s why I keep my distance even when I accidentally steal Christmas presents from my sister’s house that I really should mail back to her before her children outgrow them. Morally, I am obligated; but in other more compelling ways I am opposed. And so, without further ado I give you: Ten reasons why I’d rather become a pirate than go to the post office.
10. Fact: the average pirate is 82% more diplomatic than the average postal worker.
9. Swabbing decks gives one a feeling of accomplishment while waiting an hour for postage stamps does not.
8. Pillaging and plundering seems pretty straight forward.
7. While pirates and postal-workers both tend to have missing body parts, pirates have a better sense of humor about it.
6. While pirates and postal-workers both tend to kill people, pirates have a better sense of humor about it.
5. Four dollars for a cardboard box? COME ON!
4. When you greet other post-office customers with “ARRR!” they judge you.
3. I much prefer the salty-sea air to the smell of broken dreams.
2. Searching for buried treasure beats the heck out of keeping my children away from the packing tape.
1. Landlubbers.
Ten Reasons Why I’d Rather: Part Two
12 COMMENTS
Does this mean you faced your fear and mailed back Ellie’s sweater? I am sorry. I would much rather be a pirate than pretty much anything, especially go to the post office. But I do appreciate it. On my end, I love receiving packages. It’ll be like Christmas all over again.
Very funny, Di.
I hate the post office as well.
A pirate?
I can relate. I think I’ve been a pirate for at least 3/4 of the Halloweens in my life.
I’m just strangely unfulfilled being anything else.
Maybe Dad was a pirate? Yup. It’s in the Van Cleave DNA.
Our ancestors didn’t come over on the Mayflower as they claim. They were HUNTING the Mayflower.
Wayne, that is a distinct possibility!
Di, sorry you have to go to the P.O. They will come to you but you have to know exactly how much your package weighs and have proper postage and all.
It might be worth it to you to buy a small weighing scale and get some free boxes. YES! FREE! I ordered some and they came right to my house for free. You can then print postage online with your credit card and, voila! no trip to the Post Office!! NO LIE!
OR, you could set sail upon the Seven Seas in a small sailing ship powered by big white canvas sheets and be harassed by a bunch of stinky, dirty, ill-mannered, tobacco-chawing, ugly, one-legged, knife-wielding men with hairy beards and nose-hairs, and worse grammar; and pillage and plunder to your heart’s content! Take your choice.
Wait, that does sound like more fun than waiting in line at the Sun City Post Office. You never know when one of the old-folks will die right there in front of you, further holding up the entire line for two more hours.
BTW, I have not yet mailed your package containing the maternity clothes I got you on clearance at Kohls, Sorry.
So Mo, you on board with the whole pirate thing? I just don’t see as a coopertive wench to be honest, although you obviously like dirty sailors >:)
OH SNAP!
You don’t need to know only the weight of the package, but also the girth in order to send it from home. Good luck with that. I don’t even know what girth means.
ARRRR! Me girth! ARRRR!
Angpang,
“Girth”: the measurement of something around it’s widest point.
IE. Diana’s pregnant belly’s ‘girth’ is…
Oh no you di-int, Wayneman!
Di, that was a most amusing rant. Where do you come up with this stuff? It’s freaking genius!
That is very kind, Shana.
Genius is as genius rants.
LOL!