My Middle Name

“I hope that someday we will be able to put away our fears and prejudices and just laugh at people.” – Jack Handy

Tact is not my middle name. Nor is Diplomacy. My name is not Diana “has a way with people” Sortor. I know this may come as a shock to those of you who know me, but I say really stupid, insensitive things on a regular basis. I say them to my friends. I say them to my family members. I say them to total strangers waiting in line at the grocery store. I raise my hand and say them at church. Basically, I keep trying to talk when I really shouldn’t.

I used to be shy, you know. So shy that I was almost held back in the second grade because my teacher didn’t think I could read. So shy that when my elementary-school crush of five years asked me if I wanted to be his reading partner I stood gaping at him until he felt uncomfortable and walked away. So shy that I missed out on friendship after friendship because I didn’t know how to respond. So shy that I never expressed how I really felt to anyone. Of course, I grew up and grew out of that. At this point I think maybe I’ve gone a little too far- gotten a little too comfortable. Maybe a little too expressive. There were definite advantages to keeping my mouth shut. True, I dying inside but on the upside I wasn’t influencing others negatively. I wasn’t embarrassing myself. People didn’t dislike me. They nothing-ed me. There is some merit in that.

In a perfect world everyone would understand and like me for all my blundering. I could laugh at people when they fell down and they’d innately take that as the gesture of friendship I intend it to be. I could make random Nacho Libre references without having people think I’m off my rocker. I could be honest about my feelings concerning Twilight. But this isn’t a perfect world.

And so to anyone out there I’ve offended or inadvertently ostracized I apologize. I really don’t have anything against postal workers, Tom Selleck, people with mullets, or llamas. For someone who enjoys words as much as I do, I seriously struggle forming thoughts into coherent sentences, especially in public. So, when I say “Hey-Lop! Nothing!'” I mean, “Why hello there my fine friend, what is up? Things are good with me as well.” And when I say, “I’m easy. No. No. I never clean the toilets.” I mean, “Sure, send your children over, because I understand your predicament, am not currently busy, and would like to assist you.” When I try and give you a compliment that comes out, “I can’t tell whether you’re pregnant or not.” I actually mean, “Even when you’re pregnant you are as attractive as you normally are.” And lastly, when I announce, “I don’t want Andy becoming a woman just to make me feel better.” I mean to say, “I am grateful for the differences between men and woman even if they cause me some frustration. I like men. And I love Andy the way he is.”

Yeah, my middle name isn’t Eloquence. Its Lynne.