Barbies. These are the dolls my girls play with almost every day. And you may think its all frills and frolic, but I am here to school you; A Barbie’s life is not all handbags and dazzling smiles. Not for these catty princesses anyway. In the Sortor home, a Barbie can expect a life as filled with beatings and drama as your average Lifetime movie.
For as long as I’ve known her Violet has been imprisoned in a cage. Belle, Lullaby, Lollene, and Orea have all lost their heads in horrific, bloody battle sequences. If Luna has anything to say about it, McKahn’s days are numbered, and Brietta and Ariel have at times been coerced into same-gender marriages for lack of available Ken dolls. What, you may well ask, became of Ken?
Prince Hindenpad, forced to do battle with the tyrannical Perstephanie, first lost one leg and then the other. Of course, these were mere flesh wounds to a brave soldier such as Hindenpad (and made him no less popular amongst the ladies) but when the evil pink stuffed dragon took him away to its volcanic lair and then thrust him from the counter top with such brute strength, mighty Hindenpad’s body broke upon the stony depths of the kitchenette floor, much to the sorrow of his fourteen lovers, who are now sadly, princeless.
You can imagine my concern for the violence displayed by my little girls towards their favorite toys. This is straight up Barbie abuse. But as I read the book Kids are from Jupiter and the author’s similar hilarious accounts of play-aggression in his own children, my fears were calmed, and all visions of future visits to the woman’s penitentiary abated. This isn’t abnormal behavior for children, not as common in girls, but not altogether unhealthy. As long as they’re not torturing grasshoppers or drawing anarchy symbols on Raggedy Ann we’re good. Maybe they’ll be dentists someday.
once again, made me chuckle Di. It is not uncommon for me to walk into a room and find a batman tied to the blinds cord, dangling desparately for its life. What imaginations!
LOL! “Anaconda” is my fave, and Meliss’ comment made me laugh real hard!
All that sickly pink is just a “girly” facade, isn’t it >:)
They’re very much like their mom. I remember you being just like this when you were little, Di…
I love the name Ananconda! So feminine. So lovely.
I wouldn’t worry so much about Barbie abuse. The one use I ever saw for Barbie as a child was to see how far I could fling her body by holding onto her red afro (seriously, I must have had 70’s Disco Barbie) and spinning her around and around my head until her neck became detatched from her head, causing her body to missile out into nothingness. My brother and I would play this for hours. Grasp afro, spin Barbie above head, watch Barbie’s body fly, mark the distance, then reattach head for the next person’s turn. You should introduce them to this awesome sport. I think we could have some Barbie body flinging champions on our hands!
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Di, if only I could add a picture to this comment… I would LOVE to include a photo of all of Wayne’s GI Joes lined up like that. It would put the Barbie collection to SHAME!!! I think we need to send some of them your way.
And what do you mean, “They’ll be dentists?!?” What do you think, that just because a little girl would chew off her Barbies’ fingernails and try to see what would happen if they developed “Arm and leg fall-off disease” that they would become dentists?!? …Okay, well maybe they will. But if they start dissecting worms and rolly pollies don’t hold it against them. They might just be performing a little science experiment or two… and maybe when they chop that worm into 6 or 7 pieces to see if they will grow into as many worms, you won’t think them too cruel. Or when they cut open the rolly polly to see if you can actually see the little critter’s spirit leave its body, you won’t think them future serial killers… just future dentists.
Hayden also wishes me to tell you that he thinks Barbies are creepy… especially when there are so many of them.
hahaha, yes they are Hayden, yes they are…
Shana, you leave my GI Joes out of this!
I need to read that book! KIDS ARE FROM JUPITER! At least your girls had a prince once upon a time…my girls’ barbies have yet to meet a prince charming. You’ll have to tell us how the kingdom of barbies is effected upon his arrival! 🙂
I think your girls’ play shows much more imagination and that accounts for their artistic abilities. My girls are boring dress changing, mommy & me pretending, let’s move on to something else because we can’t imagine what else to do – barbie players.
Love those Sortors!
So funny, I can just picture it in my head. Your girls have your imagination!
I hereby witness that you and I played Barbie’s EXACTLY like that, although I think ours were perhaps even more dysfunctional.
I will never forget when Icecapade got in her drunk driving accident. Or when Cinderella got into a really abusive relationship that ended with a slap to the face that sent her head flying. Or how Isa smothered Totally Hair Ken with her pillow and ended up in a nut house. Somehow, after that tragic incident, you convinced me that Totally Hair Ken belonged to you. You gave him a new look, new name, and even trimmed his HAIR!!!!!!!! I blacked out after that, but I seem to recall the last I saw of Totally Hair Ken, her was painted silver from head to toe….and you were like 15….
Angie, LOL!!!!
That. Was. AWESOME!!!
Ya’ll are twisted individuals. And I mean that in the most endearing, loving way!
Shana, I’m just glad you didn’t decide to experiment on ME like that when we were younger! I put up with enough abuse as it was. Yikes!
I have no memory of that.
hey…anaconda was my nickname in college.
i fear i will soon know what this whole ‘barbie’ ordeal is about. right now its still the beheading of lego people and gi joes.
i don’t believe my boys will get dolls for christmas though
LOL!!!! Angie’s story REALLY SAYS IT ALL!!! I can’t stop laughing!!!
Omygosh! Is THAT what you two were playing up here in your attic room day after day?
I mean, “up there”. Way, way up there.